Top Tips for Freshman – The Miami Student
Being in the third of your first semester is scary and can be overwhelming. Just like you think you are all settled down, you are hit with a curve ball.
My freshman curve came from being in the passenger seat during the OJ Simpson chase. I thought Juice and I (that’s what we all called her in Dorsey) were just going for our weekly glove shopping adventure and then suddenly the cops came over for no reason.
But, I digress. To help you take the stress out of the rest of your way through Miami, here’s a comprehensive list of everything you need to know to make sure you graduate.
Taxation is theft
The government has no right to your money, and taxation is just a legal way for them to steal it. Taxpayers’ money goes straight into the pockets of members of Congress and does nothing else.
Don’t pay your taxes, they can’t all get us in trouble!
You hear everyone complaining about the government. Why don’t we all stop paying taxes and try again? To be successful with any course in Miami, professors and “liberals” will try to tell you that taxes are good and good for funding college. Don’t believe them. Miami will be fine if they have your tuition money.
All the media are brainwashed
Don’t become socialized into anything. The whole of society is just civilized brainwashing.
Miami wants you to think for yourself and be free. To do this, burn all the books you see and destroy all the technology. It will help you in your lessons – you can decide for yourself what calculus is, not a stuffy doctorate that thinks it knows more than you do.
Do you have a 3 in AP US History? Why is someone trying to tell you what to think? Don’t let them control your thoughts. Anything that will lead you to a well-paying job and a generally fulfilling lifestyle. Burn it all and train, 12 years of school was enough.
Animal bones will soon be commonplace, store them
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If you follow my previous advice, we will be without a government and the education system will collapse. After that, the US dollar will be useless, which means we can decide what to do next.
I have a friend at Farmer who is a fourth grade finance student who thinks animal bones are the next big thing. He says that over the next three years, the declining balance will be replaced by animal bones.
Start this process of obtaining animal bones now because we all know about inflation.
Do you have trouble sleeping? Try methamphetamine
I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of melatonin. After a month of use, it barely works.
Now I know what you are thinking. “Ryan, isn’t the heroine a better way to sleep?” and I’ll tell you things are unreliable. That’s why I switched to methamphetamine; the burn of fresh mint knocks me out after just a few hits.
Even if you’re tight on budget, that’s okay. You can literally do it at home. I’m a huge fan of useful DIY projects, and homemade meth really hits the mark.
Reach out to others
I know you might feel like you already have your band and found your niche. But there are so many people here that you haven’t met yet and they’re all so cool.
Keep reaching out to people, and you might meet more great people. I think so many people try to find some friends and stop looking for people. Join a new club next semester or try a new activity, go for it and the results will be magical.